In an era of “following”, “liking” and “sharing”; authentic, meaningful and lasting friendships are increasingly in short supply. Even among Christians.
Authentic friendship is one of those precious graces that continues to suffer a bloody erosion and slow death in the nefarious hands of (un)social media.
In the digital age, much of what we see or experience as friendships, especially online, are socially engineered, shallow simulations of life. They are mostly acquaintances for convenience, and only last as long as one’s mobile data or phone battery power.
Many ‘friendships’ today lack the functional ingredient English Philosopher, Francis Bacon, articulated thus: “A principal fruit of friendship is the ease and discharge of the fullness and swellings of the heart, which are caused and induced by passions of all kinds.” It died when friendship was reduced to trading memes online and worthless contests: best picture, “who-wore-it-best” and who’s living the ‘largest’! All this with little regard for the real, and often sad humans behind the happy pictures and expensive phones.
Facebook puts a 5000 friends’ limit, so that you cannot ‘befriend’ more people after your 5000th. But who needs or can keep up with 5000 friends? You? Okay, can you name at least 10 of them within 30 seconds? Great, your answer is as correctly silent as mine.
As image bearers of God, we were created to live in communion with each other. Family, friends and other relations. Even the most radical recluse needs company. A confidant; not just a fellow human by proximity. Sometimes I think people we know to be introverted are simply those whom God has granted discernment to see through fake relationships or people, and avoid them. They retreat to energy saving mode, only to light up in the presence of that one genuine companion.
Real introverts teach us that less is more. Quality over quantity. Depth over breadth. One true friend is more than enough.
Frustrated by pseudo-friendships, C.S. Lewis remarked:
“While friendship has been by far the chief source of my happiness, acquaintance or general society has always meant little to me, and I cannot quite understand why a man should wish to know more people than he can make real friends of,” Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Life.
What, then, does an authentic friendship look like?
A perfect friendship model Christian young adults should learn from is that of David, son of Jesse and Jonathan, the son of the first king of Israel, Saul.
Here are seven hallmarks of authentic friendship I extracted from 1 Samuel 18 and 20 chapters:
- It is God-centered
The friendship of David and Jonathan was God-centered and thus God-glorifying. The two were conscious of God’s will in it while it lasted; and careful to invoke the LORD’s blessing upon it.
As a young, Christian adult, if you hope to realize any depth and meaning in a friendship, Jesus Christ must be at the center of it. Otherwise, it will have little or no eternal value or consequence at all for His kingdom.
Now, take any of your present friendships, and ask, would God bless the affairs (words spoken, deeds and plans made) of this friendship?
If the answer is no, it’s high time you reclassified it as an acquaintance, reduced your investment in it or terminated it altogether.
2. Covenantal and NOT Casual
When his life was endangered, an evidently hysterical David turned for assurance and comfort to his best friend, Jonathan, who was deeply concerned for his safety. In an eager display of his loyalty, Jonathan commits to mediating with his father Soul who sought David’s blood. “The Lord, the God of Israel, be witness,” he says as he vows protection for him.
Even more, Jonathan initiates a covenant with David as a mark of their lifelong commitment to each other.
And Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, b “May 3 the Lord take vengeance on David’s enemies.”
And Jonathan made David swear again by his love for him, c for he loved him as he loved his own soul. (1 Samuel 20: 16-17)
Just to be clear, I am not advocating for any kind of rituals or outward expressions of commitment. Far from it. I am simply saying, if you cannot take your friendship seriously enough as though it were a covenant before the living God, then it is a trivial, pastime relationship awaiting your next whim or distance to kill it.
3. Seeing the same truth
C.S Lewis said it best when he noted that “what draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it.”
For Christians, some things are supposed to be non-negotiable, such as what one believes; what one makes of Jesus Christ; and what one makes of the truth of God’s word. These are fundamental.
David and Jonathan lived in harmony, beautifully knitted in their knowledge of God’s will. Jonathan, who was the natural heir of the Israel throne, humbly set aside human ambition and “blessed” David’s divine choosing by God: “…May the LORD be with you, as he has been with my father…”(1 Sam 20:13)
Now, this is not to say friendships are supposed to be echo chambers. Disagreements and difference in views on various issues are normal aspect of a healthy friendship. However, some truths are supposed to be the basis of friendship, lest you find yourself in “bad company that corrupts morals.”
4. Selfless
Jonathan was willing to risk his life to protect David from his father, King Saul, who sought to take it. Talk about “Ride or die” in a biblical sense. Everyone needs a friend who is deeply committed to their wellbeing for their own sake. But first, we should be that friend. Parasitic relations should have no part in among children of God.
5. In-and-out-of-season
In an age of peak materialism and capitalism that’s spilled over into the church, relationships can easily become transactional, with each person looking out for their own good and benefit. Such “fair weather” relations are not only fickle and worthless, but also antithetical to biblical standards that make no room for “fair weather” friends. Remember,” A friend loves at all times. A brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17
6. They are Cathartic
David, the giant-slayer is evidently hysterical in the dialogue with Jonathan at the beginning of the 20th chapter of 1 Samuel. He is terrified of imminent violence and death in the hands of King Saul. Backtrack to chapter 18, David is the same warrior who led his men in a successful attack that terminated 200 Philistine fighters (V27). This sharp contrast of identity is not about strength or weakness, it’s about the release valve an authentic friendship offers. In the presence of a true friend, titles, reputation, ego and facades fall apart. True friendship accommodates messy truths, insecurities and vulnerabilities.
7. Lasting impact
Lastly, just like a good tree, the fruits of a good friendship ripple beyond the planters, to the community. Many Israelites benefitted from the deep, quality friendship of David and Jonathan. You and I are beneficiaries today, at least as learners from good, Godly models.
Through Jonathan and David, we see the sheer emotional, time and resource investment needed to cultivate and bloom an authentic friendship. It is intense, more so in an age where people scroll their way into and out of relationships, and are preoccupied with making more followers than a friend.
As an adult, all you need is one to two true friends. Some people are fortunate to have up to three. I cap it at a trio because anything beyond easily passes for a close acquaintance.
